Bedtime turmoil
It was almost bedtime and it had been a long afternoon parenting alone as my husband was working late. My 4-year old and 2- year old had just come out of the bath when I noticed the baby (who was 3 months old) was feeling warm and seemed fussier than usual. I started getting concerned about my baby developing a fever, and went looking for the thermometer.
I was holding the baby while scurrying around the house searching for the thermometer and my toddlers noticed that something had taken my attention away from the usual bedtime routine. They immediately pounced on the opportunity!
A sudden shift in energy
My two older kids started acting defiant and doing the opposite of what I had asked of them. “It’s time to put on our pajamas!” I said. “NO!” They both yelled and giggled while running up and down the hall naked and wet, water dripping everywhere.
I heard my oldest say to my middle child “let’s not listen to mommy and do whatever we want!”
“Yeah, let’s not listen to mommy!” was the response she got back from him.
(Side note: When I look back at these moments, I smile, shaking my head and chuckling to myself of the image of the two of them running around together. However, I’m very aware that I’m romanticizing this moment. I know that while the situation was unfolding, I hadn’t slept properly in months. I was physically and mentally exhausted and overwhelmed. I was not at my best and would get easily stressed in situations I felt that I couldn’t control).
The breaking point
Most nights, I had bedtime down to a science. I was used to putting all three kids to bed on my own without issues. But even though I’m a sleep consultant, I’m not immune to bedtime battles.
In this case, I had suddenly lost control of the situation and the toddlers had figured it out! As I was pleading with them to get their pajamas on and to brush their teeth, they started blatantly ignoring me.
The baby had started crying louder and the only thing that would calm her down was if I nursed her. So there I was, standing and nursing the baby while my two toddlers were running circles around me. I started getting anxious. I knew I would have a long night ahead of me and was still worrying about the baby and if she was sick. Her crying had also escelated. It was all just too much. I lost my temper and yelled at both my kids about their behaviour. I blew up at them saying that that they needed to listen to me and that they were giving me a hard time. They both stopped what they were doing and looked at me with shame in their eyes. My outburst had taken them by surprise and scared them. I immediately regretted how I handled the situation.
How I repaired the situation
My 2-year old started crying right away and my oldest went to her room silently and changed into her pajamas. The baby was still crying but much more intensely as she had picked up on my anger and my yelling had scared her too. I felt terrible about how I had reacted and wished I had continued to be calm. After all, they were just little kids being kids.
At bedtime, I hugged each of my kids tightly and apologized for raising my voice and yelling. I explained that I was tired because I hadn’t been sleeping well since I had to wake up with their baby sister during the night. That I’m going to work on speaking in a calm voice even when I’m frustrated. As much as I wanted to remind them of the importance of listening and following the routine at bedtime so we can enjoy our time together before we go to sleep, I refrained from doing so. I really wanted to focus on my reaction and take accountability for it, in hopes that it would encourage them to one day do the same thing.
Learning and growing closer
My son didn’t say anything in response but I felt him relax his shoulders and snuggle in closer to me. I could feel that he was comforted by my words. My daughter looked at me and said “It’s okay, mommy. I know you’re just tired. I love you too. We’re sorry, we’re going to try really hard to listen better next time. We just forgot.”
And as for the baby, she didn’t have a fever. But I whispered to her that I was sorry for scaring her and with my soothing voice and some rocking, she fell asleep in my arms.
I sat there surrounded by all my kids and noticed a shift had happened. In a way, I felt closer with them and more aligned with them than I had before the whole situation had occurred.
I later learned in our sleep consulting certification that communicating with one another and apologizing after conflict in an attempt to restore intimacy can be referred to as “repair” and that it is so important in our relationships (here’s a link to a study that highlights this).
Applying repair to sleep training
This concept can also be applied to sleep training. We always let the families we work with know that sleep training is not an easy journey and can be hard. But w can repair. We repair with our children during check-ins. We repair with our children in the morning by showering them with love and delight. We can acknowledge that sleep work is hard and that we’re right there supporting our children along the way. And even for the younger babies; even though they may not understand exactly what we’re saying, I truly believe they can feel it.
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